I am grateful for
this day
for being able to work
for breathing
for people and the connections we have
waking up
laughing and feeling
For turning down pain killers when I really wanted to make this joint pain stop
For recognizing that a plain ol tylenol will do the trick
For not picking up
For the opportunity to do a fresh new 5th step as I just finished another 4th at the suggestion of a fell AA.
For feeling fear to do this 5th step tonight as the last time I did one, I felt no fear, I was so miserable and in pain that I would have walked barefoot over glass to stay sober. It was time to do this one... even though I do 10th's frequently, the exercise of a 4th and 5th was something I get to experience and am extremely grateful for.
For my 16 year old speaking her mind, even if I don't like what she has to say.
For coffee, the Big Book for God in my life, sponsorship... for my friends in recovery
for the opportunity to read other Blogs and for the experience, strength and hope of others.
Have a great sober day.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
It's been a long time since I have been to my blog. I was sorta stuck, trying to think of what to write, and so on and on. Gee, perhaps my perfectionism might have been creeping in.
I have been reading One Sober Alcoholic for and Higher Powered blogs for months now and have it automatically feeding to my blackberry.
I will be celebrating 2 years of continuous sobriety next Saturday. I have been very blessed by the program of AA, and my relationship with my higher power.
Thursday I am to speak at a Women's meeting and Saturday at a local club. The last time I spoke was over a year ago, and wow, a lot has changed since then. Then I knew what I wanted to talk about, I "had" something to say. I was so eager to say everything. Today is different. I have no idea, and I know my HP will simply put the words to me.
I started my messed up thinking when I was very young. I can remember going to preschool feeling like I would never fit in and cried and cried and cried when my mother left me there. I didnt think i looked right, I thought i smelled, the kids made fun of me and I just wanted out! I had learned even from a very young age, to lie, cheat, steal, and do anything to NOT be in the present moment. Growing up it was too painful so I lived inside my head. By the time I started drinking, I was 14 years old hanging out with a group a uppperclassmen and drinking nearly every weekend I could. I loved alcohol, I loved what it did for me and I especially loved to party. I thought I was being a normal teenager, and it never dawned on me that I was going down a very long road of insanity at the time. What I did know is that I was someone else when I was drinking and I loved that.
Flash forward year and years of drunks, and what I thought was normal behavior. - Having a Crohns disease and manipulating every doctor I could and not even knowing it wasn't a good thing... Doctor had me on steroids, remicaid, pain killers, other meds and I would push it to the very limit ever single time. I'd ask, can I have one drink on New Years, translation, can I drink as much as I want to... and yes, I did. I had that one and another one and another one. I won't go into my manipulation of drugs but will mention - my fierce fear of flying and I job which required me to fly and thus I had ample supply to any anti-anxiety medication I needed only to be used as a further tool to help me drink into complete oblivion. I used whatever I could to get out of me. The entire time, thinking I was not an alcoholic - I wasn't on the floor drunk every night. I wasn't in the gutter, I wasn't drunk at work and every other self delusional think I could think of. I was going through a divorce, had a 4 year old daughter, began dating women, starting using anything I could to NOT be that suburban house wife which I was. I even owned a business - ah yes the true mark of success in my mind. I was a train wreck... and only getting worse.
I was killing myself. 10 years of that 10 years of the disease sneaking up on me, out to kill me and destroy every single thing in my path.
I met a sober member of Alcohlic's playing softball. She was and is still amazing. We began to date and I was to the point in my drinking where I knew I had to hide it as much as I could. Needless to say the relationship quickly ended and I continued on my way to rip out any part of my being which required me to be in the present day.
I joined Alanon because I couldn't believe how selfish this Alcoholic was and besides my father and brother both have alcoholic tendencies ( I'll let them decide if they are an alcoholic or not. ) So I used this as my excuse. I was NEVER going to go to AA, 1 because I didn't drink THAT bad and 2- I had a good job, a beautiful daughter etc etc etc.
I was dying, inside, outside, emotionally, physically. My last drunk was while I was supposed to be at an Alanon training to take Alanon into the jails of the county I live in. I wasn't there, I didn't show, instead, I started my 5 day binge in downtown Chicago with my friend the Sober member of AA. It was finally out in the open, I finally just stopped hiding it from her and she saw it first hand... I would disappear for 8-10 hours to come back to the hotel room to only find her sleeping peacefully and me dying to keep on drinking. Until the next day- I was still drunk from the night before and I went out again.
I went through detox myself at my phone, I was too good for that rehab stuff. She checked on my and finally after a few days we sat down and talked about my drinking, my thinking and my life. I had been to the doctor, everything was shutting down. It had to stop. I had to admit it to myself exactly what I was. An Alcoholic...... for the first time in my life... I could finally admit it. I couldn't say the words, but I felt it in the very core of my being I was powerless over this thing. Absolutely Powerless. and my life was completely unmanageable.
Recovery post.... coming soon.
I have been reading One Sober Alcoholic for and Higher Powered blogs for months now and have it automatically feeding to my blackberry.
I will be celebrating 2 years of continuous sobriety next Saturday. I have been very blessed by the program of AA, and my relationship with my higher power.
Thursday I am to speak at a Women's meeting and Saturday at a local club. The last time I spoke was over a year ago, and wow, a lot has changed since then. Then I knew what I wanted to talk about, I "had" something to say. I was so eager to say everything. Today is different. I have no idea, and I know my HP will simply put the words to me.
I started my messed up thinking when I was very young. I can remember going to preschool feeling like I would never fit in and cried and cried and cried when my mother left me there. I didnt think i looked right, I thought i smelled, the kids made fun of me and I just wanted out! I had learned even from a very young age, to lie, cheat, steal, and do anything to NOT be in the present moment. Growing up it was too painful so I lived inside my head. By the time I started drinking, I was 14 years old hanging out with a group a uppperclassmen and drinking nearly every weekend I could. I loved alcohol, I loved what it did for me and I especially loved to party. I thought I was being a normal teenager, and it never dawned on me that I was going down a very long road of insanity at the time. What I did know is that I was someone else when I was drinking and I loved that.
Flash forward year and years of drunks, and what I thought was normal behavior. - Having a Crohns disease and manipulating every doctor I could and not even knowing it wasn't a good thing... Doctor had me on steroids, remicaid, pain killers, other meds and I would push it to the very limit ever single time. I'd ask, can I have one drink on New Years, translation, can I drink as much as I want to... and yes, I did. I had that one and another one and another one. I won't go into my manipulation of drugs but will mention - my fierce fear of flying and I job which required me to fly and thus I had ample supply to any anti-anxiety medication I needed only to be used as a further tool to help me drink into complete oblivion. I used whatever I could to get out of me. The entire time, thinking I was not an alcoholic - I wasn't on the floor drunk every night. I wasn't in the gutter, I wasn't drunk at work and every other self delusional think I could think of. I was going through a divorce, had a 4 year old daughter, began dating women, starting using anything I could to NOT be that suburban house wife which I was. I even owned a business - ah yes the true mark of success in my mind. I was a train wreck... and only getting worse.
I was killing myself. 10 years of that 10 years of the disease sneaking up on me, out to kill me and destroy every single thing in my path.
I met a sober member of Alcohlic's playing softball. She was and is still amazing. We began to date and I was to the point in my drinking where I knew I had to hide it as much as I could. Needless to say the relationship quickly ended and I continued on my way to rip out any part of my being which required me to be in the present day.
I joined Alanon because I couldn't believe how selfish this Alcoholic was and besides my father and brother both have alcoholic tendencies ( I'll let them decide if they are an alcoholic or not. ) So I used this as my excuse. I was NEVER going to go to AA, 1 because I didn't drink THAT bad and 2- I had a good job, a beautiful daughter etc etc etc.
I was dying, inside, outside, emotionally, physically. My last drunk was while I was supposed to be at an Alanon training to take Alanon into the jails of the county I live in. I wasn't there, I didn't show, instead, I started my 5 day binge in downtown Chicago with my friend the Sober member of AA. It was finally out in the open, I finally just stopped hiding it from her and she saw it first hand... I would disappear for 8-10 hours to come back to the hotel room to only find her sleeping peacefully and me dying to keep on drinking. Until the next day- I was still drunk from the night before and I went out again.
I went through detox myself at my phone, I was too good for that rehab stuff. She checked on my and finally after a few days we sat down and talked about my drinking, my thinking and my life. I had been to the doctor, everything was shutting down. It had to stop. I had to admit it to myself exactly what I was. An Alcoholic...... for the first time in my life... I could finally admit it. I couldn't say the words, but I felt it in the very core of my being I was powerless over this thing. Absolutely Powerless. and my life was completely unmanageable.
Recovery post.... coming soon.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Getting out of Self
Recently I have struggled, with exhaustion, agitation, frustration and self pity. No matter what prayer I said, conversation I had with a sponsor or friend or other AA, I couldn't get out of myself. The creeping thoughts could come in and I would push them down.
So I got back to basics. I started reading my BB one page a day or more just to get back to what I know works for me, I did my 3rd and 7th step prayers and all of the sudden God did for me what I could not do for myself. He presented me an opportunity to get out of myself and my self pity.
What did I do..... nothing, I made myself available. I was willing to go to any lengths. My phone rang yesterday, it was the answering service for the district I volunteer for. Someone needed a call back, they wanted to go to a meeting. I had missed the call at first, but I immediately called the number back, hoping I didn't miss the chance. The service gave me her number, and I picked her up and took her to a meeting last night. I didn't think of myself once. I didn't think of my crappy day I just had, nor did I consider for one second all the things I thought I should be doing to better my life, blah blah blah.
We went to a Big Book Study meeting, and she asked me to sponsor her. Apparently, I needed to get back to that place of willingness on many different levels. Willingness to give of oneself, willingness to get out of myself. thank God!
So I got back to basics. I started reading my BB one page a day or more just to get back to what I know works for me, I did my 3rd and 7th step prayers and all of the sudden God did for me what I could not do for myself. He presented me an opportunity to get out of myself and my self pity.
What did I do..... nothing, I made myself available. I was willing to go to any lengths. My phone rang yesterday, it was the answering service for the district I volunteer for. Someone needed a call back, they wanted to go to a meeting. I had missed the call at first, but I immediately called the number back, hoping I didn't miss the chance. The service gave me her number, and I picked her up and took her to a meeting last night. I didn't think of myself once. I didn't think of my crappy day I just had, nor did I consider for one second all the things I thought I should be doing to better my life, blah blah blah.
We went to a Big Book Study meeting, and she asked me to sponsor her. Apparently, I needed to get back to that place of willingness on many different levels. Willingness to give of oneself, willingness to get out of myself. thank God!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Coon's Supper- Blytheville AR
Had an interesting weekend in Blythesville, Arkansa
We went to the Coon's Supper AA conference in Blythesville. It was a very long drive there from our home, but it was very interesting.
Our booth at this conference was in the front of the building, which, by the way was a run down bar which was being converted for this conference, because the Holiday Inn had burned down 2 weeks prior. Yes, I said it. Run down Bar, converted into a conference hall. And who said you can't have an AA meeting in a bar! The irony.
But i realized something, for the first time in a long time, I noticed my reaction to alcohol was non existent. I was reliving the 10th step promises that the obsession would be removed, and I didn't think once about alcohol. Now, I've had numerous days like this before, but none where the bottles and symbols of the disease were surrounding me. I mean seriously, there is a giant picture of the Budlite bottle next to my vendor booth. Wow, what a miracle.
I met a gentleman with 54 years of sobriety, and I met a woman with not quite 24 hours of sobriety. The difference between the two ------ many, the similarity between the two, even more.
The solution for both...... AA ---- and a connection to A Higher Power of their understanding, that solves ALL their problems today......
We went to the Coon's Supper AA conference in Blythesville. It was a very long drive there from our home, but it was very interesting.
Our booth at this conference was in the front of the building, which, by the way was a run down bar which was being converted for this conference, because the Holiday Inn had burned down 2 weeks prior. Yes, I said it. Run down Bar, converted into a conference hall. And who said you can't have an AA meeting in a bar! The irony.
But i realized something, for the first time in a long time, I noticed my reaction to alcohol was non existent. I was reliving the 10th step promises that the obsession would be removed, and I didn't think once about alcohol. Now, I've had numerous days like this before, but none where the bottles and symbols of the disease were surrounding me. I mean seriously, there is a giant picture of the Budlite bottle next to my vendor booth. Wow, what a miracle.
I met a gentleman with 54 years of sobriety, and I met a woman with not quite 24 hours of sobriety. The difference between the two ------ many, the similarity between the two, even more.
The solution for both...... AA ---- and a connection to A Higher Power of their understanding, that solves ALL their problems today......
Friday, January 18, 2008
Ah heart troubles
Ok - so really not my heart, but Wednesday the doctors and myself thought I was having heart problems.
I have a bad thought process which believes I am a doctor on t.v and real life. When actually I am neither but yet continue to try to self diagnosis my problems. The chest pain I was experiencing was not fun, nor was it my heart. Thank goodness.
Stress plays a major role and my crohn's disease does as well. The doctors don't really know what was wrong, but my heart is in good shap, and my lungs as well.
My heart troubles me however at my home group, my friends, and my relationships with my daughter. All smack dab in the middle of this is I - Me - Yes, selfish me.
I miss my group. I miss the laughter and fun before the meeting, but I really miss the meeting itself. it has become divisive and people are no longer the family I grew to know and love.
Then I was reminded by Mary Christine's post yesterday, all we need to stay sober is to TRUST in God and Clean House. Wow... perhaps this is God's plan, and I am doing what I normally do, I fight change instead of be grateful the change is happening.
I don't know really what the whole point is. but this too shall pass.... and in the mean time, I am going to give it to my higher power to handle.
I have a bad thought process which believes I am a doctor on t.v and real life. When actually I am neither but yet continue to try to self diagnosis my problems. The chest pain I was experiencing was not fun, nor was it my heart. Thank goodness.
Stress plays a major role and my crohn's disease does as well. The doctors don't really know what was wrong, but my heart is in good shap, and my lungs as well.
My heart troubles me however at my home group, my friends, and my relationships with my daughter. All smack dab in the middle of this is I - Me - Yes, selfish me.
I miss my group. I miss the laughter and fun before the meeting, but I really miss the meeting itself. it has become divisive and people are no longer the family I grew to know and love.
Then I was reminded by Mary Christine's post yesterday, all we need to stay sober is to TRUST in God and Clean House. Wow... perhaps this is God's plan, and I am doing what I normally do, I fight change instead of be grateful the change is happening.
I don't know really what the whole point is. but this too shall pass.... and in the mean time, I am going to give it to my higher power to handle.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
We are Not Saints Conference
Hello from the We are Not Saints conference. My partner and I own a gift business for the the 12 step community and we travel all over the midwest attending different conferences. This weekend was the first of the next 11 months of conferences. Which are very rewarding, but extremely exhausting. We are trying to learn the balance between working and sleeping.
It is exhausting but wow, do we meet the people. I had a lot of fun helping 2 gentlemen pick out their one year fancy coin and necklace. These two gentlemen were maybe 21 years old! How fantastic. The smiles on their faces was priceless.
Must get back to resting. .... .happy sunday
P.S-- got to hear Clancy speak last night ! it was great!
It is exhausting but wow, do we meet the people. I had a lot of fun helping 2 gentlemen pick out their one year fancy coin and necklace. These two gentlemen were maybe 21 years old! How fantastic. The smiles on their faces was priceless.
Must get back to resting. .... .happy sunday
P.S-- got to hear Clancy speak last night ! it was great!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Full week of the year
The first full work week of the year. Last week, I was hard pressed for motivation to be at the office, and then had a run in with a customer who has got to be the most difficult person I have had to deal with in my career of technical customer service. I have a good career, infact a fantastic job which absolutely meets my personality, and for a split second I was ready to walk away from all of it. Simply walk away, drop off the key card and call it a day and go home. I was over it. I simply was beaten down enough for the very last time. But you know what happened?
I stopped, I prayed, I muted the phone, and I ---- yes I---- apologized to this customer just because my tone was so harsh. The conversation wasn't really any better, but I felt better.
She proceeded to write the ceo and blast me, but hey, that's ok, the outcome really isn't mine anyway. On the flip side, i got to do something good for a sweet lady in Florida who is changing computer systems, lost her husband, last year, daughter walked out on her during christmas, and who has supported my career for 7 years! So, I put someone on a plane and sent her a technical expert on behalf of the company I work for. So, I might get yelled at from customers who have no earthly clue what human kindness is, but I can give it back 100% to people who are living it one day at a time in gratitude.
I like the gratitude much better.
My daughter is home today, after a long vacation with Grandma. My partner, daughter and I went grocery shopping, We all agreeed and haven't fought yet today. God provides so long as I don't direct the show.
Happily trudging.....
:o)
I stopped, I prayed, I muted the phone, and I ---- yes I---- apologized to this customer just because my tone was so harsh. The conversation wasn't really any better, but I felt better.
She proceeded to write the ceo and blast me, but hey, that's ok, the outcome really isn't mine anyway. On the flip side, i got to do something good for a sweet lady in Florida who is changing computer systems, lost her husband, last year, daughter walked out on her during christmas, and who has supported my career for 7 years! So, I put someone on a plane and sent her a technical expert on behalf of the company I work for. So, I might get yelled at from customers who have no earthly clue what human kindness is, but I can give it back 100% to people who are living it one day at a time in gratitude.
I like the gratitude much better.
My daughter is home today, after a long vacation with Grandma. My partner, daughter and I went grocery shopping, We all agreeed and haven't fought yet today. God provides so long as I don't direct the show.
Happily trudging.....
:o)
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